


What Happened to Us?

by ImissBalthazar



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Balthazar & Castiel Friendship (Supernatural), Balthazar-centric (Supernatural), Heaven's Civil War, Minor Original Character(s), Other, Season 6 From Balthazar's Perspective, Titanic References, Unrequited Love, light alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23750098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImissBalthazar/pseuds/ImissBalthazar
Summary: Balthazar faked his death, and just like that there were no more rules, no expectations, no angels telling him what to do and how. He was finally free. But all that came to a screeching halt when Castiel showed up on his doorstep. Balthazar wanted no part in the war in Heaven. He was done with all of that. But he just... couldn't let Cas die.It all went down from there.
Relationships: Balthazar & Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel & Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	What Happened to Us?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, this is my first time using AO3, so if you have any advice (especially on tagging!) please share! Any tips and tricks or critiques are very much welcome.

The air was heavy, thick with the brewing storm. Both metaphorically and literally. Balthazar was well aware of Heaven’s situation, Michael and Lucifer in the Cage caused an unrest. There was anarchy for a while while the angels all searched for purpose. For someone to lead them, someone to obey. Mindless little drones… Balthazar didn’t miss them. Well, Balthazar didn’t miss most of them. Of course the most logical answer at a time like this would be to let Raphael step forward. The great healer of Heaven was never conditioned to rule like his older brother Michael, but he was the most senior angel in Heaven, the most powerful, and he was the only archangel left. It was natural he should assume the throne. Unfortunately, Balthazar knew Castiel better than that. Castiel was never going to let Raphael lead, because Raphael would want to free his brothers. So just as Balthazar suspected, Castiel started his own faction to rival Raphie’s. And thus, the civil war broke out. From there, it was only a matter of time before they came looking for the weapons. Balthazar could sense they were close, it was only a matter of time. And, of course, it was going to rain. 

Balthazar poured himself a glass of liquor - his seventh so far - swirling the amber liquid around. This should be enough to at least begin to take the edge off his nerves. There was no putting it off any longer. They were here. It was time to face the one thing that nagged at his heart. The source of his greatest regret. The piece of Heaven he’d missed the most. Castiel. 

It occurred to him as the thunder crackled across the sky, and the rain pattered down onto the earth, that Castiel was his greatest weakness. Balthazar wasn’t going to give up the weapons, no chance. It had been hard work to get away from the mess that Heaven was, there was no way he was going to throw himself back in. He’d left Castiel in that house because he was no match for Raphael. Raphael would take him up to Heaven and force the truth from him… Heaven’s methods rivalled hell’s. Avoiding that was his top priority. 

He should’ve run. Gotten as far away as fast as he could, and not looked back. Raphael wouldn’t find the weapons by himself, and Balthazar could at least buy himself some time. Yet a voice in the back of his head screamed at him, and it screamed one word:  _ Castiel _ . Even a seraphim was no match for an archangel… if Balthazar didn’t do something and fast, he would’ve left Castiel there to die. It made his stomach churn, the very thought of Castiel dying was sickening, but with the blame lying in Balthazar’s palms… There was no way Balthazar would be able to live with himself. In a split second’s decision he raced to the hiding spot. There was no one worth praying to, but Balthazar begged the universe itself that Castiel would hold his own until Balthazar got back. 

The vessel Balthazar wore had no need for human functions, but his heart raced. As fast as his wings would carry him, he flew back to that building, and just in time he got there. Raphael stood over Castiel, blade raised ready to deliver the killing blow. 

“Hey!” Balthazar shouted to grab his attention. Perhaps it was the shock of hearing Balthazar’s voice, confirming that he wasn’t dead, or perhaps the suddenness of the voice, but Raphael halted. “Look at my junk.” Balthazar continued cheekily, pointing the Lot’s Stone towards Raphael, who turned to him. The archangel’s eyes widened in recognition, and he stepped towards Balthazar, beginning to object as Balthazar pointed the weapon. Slowly, Raphael’s vessel turned to salt from the inside out, before shattering onto the floor. Castiel slowly rose. “Same thing happened to Lot’s wife.” Balthazar hummed, trying to keep casual. 

“You came back…” Castiel murmured, and Balthazar gave him a look, chuckling softly as if to say ‘like that’s a surprise’. Balthazar and Castiel had always been close. They’d trained together, fought side by side in perfect tandem, spent their time free of training together, and even groomed each others’ wings. They were inseparable as fledglings.  _ What happened to us? _ Balthazar wondered. Here they stood, so far from where they used to be. The contrast was almost painful.

“Until next time?” Balthazar asked. Goodbye was too permanent. It sounded final. But next time… it left it open. They would see each other again. Balthazar wasn’t going to keep himself away from his dearest Castiel. Yet he was also leaving, going away from this war. English paled next to Enochian, but it had its beauties.

“You aren’t going anywhere.” Grunted a much gruffer sounding voice. 

_ Chink. _

Balthazar stepped back in alarm as flames rose around him, pulling his wings tighter to him so they wouldn’t risk being singed. 

“Holy fire…” He whispered in shock and disbelief. Pain seared his heart, and he whirled around to the speaker. Dean Winchester. Through the angel came a whiff of relief - Cas didn’t do this to him. Cas would never. “You hairless ape!” He snarled at the hunter. “Release me!” It came as a demand, anger burning brighter than the fire encircling him within his eyes. Dean showed no sign of budging, and Balthazar turned to his friend. He knew how sickening it felt to be trapped in a circle of holy fire, he’d help. “Castiel-”

“I believe the hairless ape has the floor.” Castiel said slowly, and Balthazar’s heart sank like a lead balloon.  _ Oh. _ He realized. He could see it in Castiel now that he was looking. The angel hadn’t just fallen in love with humanity… 

What had happened to them? When did a brother-like bond become so meaningless? There was a time Castiel would’ve helped Balthazar just because it was  _ Balthazar _ . Not because it cleared their debt… 

“Balthazar.” Castiel spoke, tearing Balth from his thoughts. He turned to the trench coated angel, brows raised in surprise. 

“You followed me-” Balthazar was cut off as Castiel wrapped his arms tightly around him, holding him close. “Oh…” Balthazar blinked, shaking his head and hugging Castiel back. The closeness felt good. Like what Balthazar had said was true; ‘nothing’s changed’. Balthazar rested his forehead on Castiel’s shoulder, savouring his embrace. 

“I’m glad you’re alive.” Castiel murmured. “I missed you a lot, Balthazar…” Damn it if Balthazar’s heart didn’t melt at those words. There it was. There was that tender side of Castiel. There was their bond. 

“I’ve missed you too, Cassie…” He agreed. Castiel drew away from Balthazar. 

“Join me, Balthazar. We can fight Raphael, side by side, just like old times. We can take back Heaven in the name of free will together!” Castiel urged, and Balthazar’s gaze fell sadly. 

“Castiel… the fighting will never stop. I know you believe you can make a change, but these are angels. Changing their nature will be impossible.” He explained. “I will not throw myself back into the mess.” Balthazar stated firmly. Castiel gave a sad look, sighing. 

“If you ever change your mind, you know how to find me.” Castiel gently caressed Balthazar’s face, and Balthazar found himself leaning into the touch. 

“I’m sorry. Cassie…” He apologized, and Balthazar wished it was simpler. He wished it was easy, but they weren’t fledglings anymore. It wasn’t black and white, like it used to be. There was no God to follow, and even if God came back, Balthazar wasn’t sure he would return to the obedient soldier he once was. Life was so much more complicated than they had been led to believe. 

Just as suddenly as he arrived, Castiel was gone, leaving Balthazar alone in the empty room. Balthazar brought a hand to his cheek where Castiel’s was short moments ago, already missing the warmth. It wasn’t his fair. One angel shouldn’t tear him apart that much.

Balthazar couldn’t get the damn Winchesters out of his head. The audacity they had, trapping him in holy fire. They would’ve left him there too, if not for Cas. Well, that was how he justified his anger, but deep down he knew that wasn’t why he was mad. If not for Dean, Castiel wouldn’t have rebelled. Balthazar and Castiel would still be lounging in Heaven, carefree. The rules wouldn’t have gotten so mucky, and there would be no civil war. The Winchesters had set fire to everything Balthazar had known, just as they were destined to. 

Dean Winchester didn’t have to make Castiel fall, though. Balthazar remembered Castiel being dragged into Heaven, back at the very start. When the seals were still peeling off one by one. He could recall very clearly everyone’s anger, and the words being thrown around. Castiel was slipping from Heaven’s grasp, and the accusations of him betraying them all. Balthazar knew what that would mean for his dear friend. The punishment Castiel would face… He had been the only one to speak up. At the time, Balthazar was half sure no one would care, and they’d just punish them both. Nevertheless, Balthazar stood up for Cas. He stood between his friend and their superiors, and he reminded them of everything Castiel had done for them. Balthazar spoke to how honourable and helpful Castiel was, and told them they’d be foolish to not see how powerful of an asset Castiel’s affiliation with the Winchesters was. Half of his speech he’d been just grasping for straws, but it worked.

Everything he’d said and they were right. Castiel fell in the name of the Winchesters. Needless to say, the superiors had been enraged. However Castiel wasn’t there, so they took their rage out on Castiel’s defender. Balthazar shuddered at the memory. All of that had been because of the damn Winchesters. 

What hurt him the most, though, was one tiny factor. Castiel chose them -  _ him _ . Dean Winchester. Castiel had chosen Dean over Balthazar. There was more to it, yes, of course there was, but deep down, Balthazar knew Castiel would continue to choose Dean. For that, Balthazar hated Dean Winchester. 

Sam Winchester was a bit of a wildcard, Balthazar had to admit. He hadn’t expected him to be so blatantly stupid, summoning Balthazar. It took a fair amount of self restraint to keep from slaying him where he stood. Balthazar agreed to help him because what Sam was asking of him would hurt Dean. Was it selfish? Without question. However the deeply rooted anger at Dean Winchester for taking Castiel away from him spoke before he could stop it. Bobby Singer was a good man. By no means did he deserve to die, especially not by Sam’s hand, but it was the only way to scar Sam’s vessel. 

In hindsight, Balthazar was grateful Dean showed up when he did. He didn’t really need more guilt to carry around with him, he already felt dreadful about faking his death, and hurting all the angels he cared about - he and Samandriel had been friends. Ezekiel too. The knowledge of how much grief they must’ve been burdened with made his heart heavy. He’d killed angels, ones he used to fly with. That did a number on his conscience, he didn’t need an innocent, good man’s death on that as well. Balthazar regretted sharing the spell with Sam. 

While sitting alone at a nightclub, sipping some fancy liquor, Balthazar sought solace from the poor bartender. 

“I’ve done something awful.” He murmured into his glass. The young girl, with wavy ebony hair and blue eyes, looked up to him. 

“Like… call the cops awful or…?” She asked slowly. He eyed her name tag. Elise. A pretty name. She suited it well.

“No. No not like that. But I’ve… I’ve let people down. Horribly.” Balthazar sighed, swirling the amber liquid in his tumbler. “I let most of my friends suffer the grief of thinking I’m dead… but the freedom was worth it. No more rules, no more do this, do that, obey and don’t ask questions. I was happy with my new life. Until the old came crashing in on me.” He sighed. “My best friend, Cassie found me… but…” He shook his head. Well, worse comes to worst he could erase her mind. “There’s a civil war where I’m from. My Cassie against Raphael. They both need me, because I have the weapons, but I want to stay as far away from the whole ordeal as possible…” Balthazar took a slow drink.

“Sounds pretty serious…” Elise hummed, leaning forward and propping herself up on her elbows. Balthazar would’ve admired her from this angle, with her shirt sagging and showing off a bit more of her cleavage, but his mind was far too distracted with Castiel. 

“It is… but here’s the thing. Cassie’s with this boy… Dean. Dean is… he’s objectively gorgeous. Green eyes, freckles… and Cas fell for him. Cas picked Dean over me, and I got so angry with Dean…” Balthazar bit his lip. How could he have thought this was a good idea? “Dean’s brother Sam came to me for help and I… the help I gave almost made Sam kill their father figure, Bobby. I just… I was so mad at Dean, it clouded my judgement. Bobby is fine, by the way.” He clarified to soothe the alarm glinting in her eyes. “I realize now that what I did… trying to hurt Dean… it would’ve hurt Cas too. I… I need to make it up to him. Well, all of them, really.” 

“Well… I have an idea you might not like.” Elise proposed. Balthazar raised a brow to her, gesturing for her to finish the thought. “Well you said Cassie needed your help in this war… you could give him the weapons. That would show your remorse, and that you want to make things right.” She suggested. Balthazar’s nose crinkled at the idea of diving back into Heaven’s tussles, but she did have a point. That would show Castiel he wanted to make up for what he’d done… plus Cas did need all the help he could get at a time like this. 

“...alright.” He reluctantly agreed. 

“You must really love Cassie. She’s a lucky woman.” Elise smiled. Balthazar blinked, electing not to respond as he placed enough pounds on the table to cover his bill, heading out of the buzzing club. 

“Balthazar.” Castiel greeted, a fond smile on his lips. “You know you can just call, you don’t need to summon me…” Balthazar found himself smiling back at his dearest friends. 

“I wasn’t sure you’d come. You’re a bit busy these days…” He shrugged idly. “I wanted to tell you that I’m in.” Castiel blinked in shock, taking in his words. 

“You’re… in?” He echoed slowly. Balthazar nodded, gingerly taking Castiel’s hands. 

“I will help you.” He confirmed. 

“The weapons?” Balthazar sighed softly. Of course that’s the first thing he asked. 

“Not those. But you have my allegiance.” Castiel eyed him calculatingly for a moment, before nodding. 

“Thank you, brother.” He smiled.  _ At least they were back to how they used to be. Sort of. _

From there it was mostly ‘help out when asked’, and Balthazar still spent most of his time on earth, soaking up the sweet taste of freedom. At least Castiel still allowed him that. Maybe Balthazar immersed himself in the hedonistic lifestyle a bit more from there to try and forget about everything going on, and forget about the pining looks Castiel and Dean couldn’t stop exchanging. The liquor was delicious, and the company was pleasant for the night it lasted. 

Castiel called him in, and though he was a bit saddened to leave the lavish yacht party, he dragged himself to Castiel anyways. Castiel was sitting on a bench in some lonely sap’s heaven, his gaze distant. 

“What’s the matter?” Balthazar asked softly, sitting next to Cas and snuggling him closer with a wing. A tiny smile tugged at Cas’s lips, and he leaned his head on Balthazar’s shoulder like he’d done when they were younger. 

“Raphael set out a hit list… everyone who’s aided me. I lost two soldiers this morning. I don’t know what to do, Balthazar.” He sighed. Balthazar bit his lip. The tension was growing, they could all feel it. Raphael still drastically overpowered them, and if they didn’t think of something fast… it was only a matter of time before Raphael squashed them all like bugs. There was still one card up their sleeves, though…

“The weapons.” Balthazar spoke quietly. Castiel turned his ocean blue gaze to Balthazar, who was nervously chewing on his lip. Cas rested a gentle hand on Balthazar’s knee to comfort him. 

“Thank you…” Castiel murmured, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek, and Balthazar felt warmth blossom in his chest. Balthazar nodded. 

“It’s going to take a long time for me to get them.” Balthazar warned. Castiel nodded. 

“Do whatever you need to.” Just like that, he was gone, and Balthazar sighed softly, spreading his wings and flying off. 

About halfway to the weapons, Balthazar was intercepted by three of Raphael’s henchmen. Three on one was by no means a fair fight, but Balthazar managed to take out two of three before Virgil drove a blade through his side. Groaning in pain, Balthazar kicked Virgil to the ground, pulling the blade from his torso with a sickening squelch. He winced in pain, tossing it down. He needed more time, he needed…  _ a distraction. _ Raphael wanted the weapons. He would use that. 

Balthazar took off, flying as fast as his wings would carry him to Bobby Singer’s house. A quick spell and a decoy ‘key to the weapons’ had Virgil off his tail and on the Winchesters’. A stroke of genius, really. Now he bought enough time to deliver the weapons to Castiel. 

Once in the weapons vault, Balthazar fell still, looking around at the only safeguards to his freedom. He fought so hard to get away from Heaven, be away from the rules, dingy suits, and stuck up pricks. When he finally had his freedom… as flawed as the humans were, next to Heaven it was paradise. He could do what he wanted when he wanted, no need for permission. It was like all the bondage and restrictions that chained him in Heaven were finally lifted, and it brought a whole new meaning to life - not just staying alive, but actually living. 

Now he was surrendering it all… was it really worth it? With an arsenal like this, even if the apocalypse got back on the rails, Balthazar would be fine. He could carve himself his own little corner of earth, away from the chaos. Balthazar shut his eyes, taking a slow breath. Behind his eyelids, he saw one thing - Castiel. His brilliant blue eyes, and gummy smile. His fierce and bright grace, glistening halo, and black wings, with shining undertones of blue…

When Balthazar opened his eyes once more, the hesitation was no longer there. Castiel needed him, he would come through. He always did for Castiel. His one greatest weakness. Gathering up the weapons, Balthazar took them to their new owner. Back to Heaven where they belonged, now in Castiel’s possession. And like that, the tides turned. The playing field was a lot more even now. 

It wasn’t much longer until Cas called on him once more. Balthazar had been burying himself in the luxuries of earth even more, partially because he no longer had the security, so he didn’t know for how much longer he would be able to, but also because he hated seeing what this war was doing to Castiel. Watching your best friend deteriorate, falling into obsession with a war was not a pleasant show. Each day it got harder to recognize the angel that used to sneak out of Heaven with him to watch the sunrise over the ocean 

“It’s not enough… all we’re doing, Raphael still overpowers us. We need more power.” Castiel sighed. Balthazar narrowed his eyes. 

“You mean more souls.” He inferred. Castiel’s silence spoke numbers. “How do you propose we do that?” 

“That’s what I was hoping you could help with… if we went back and altered history slightly… save some people from dying. They could go on to have descendants, that would give us more numbers.” Castiel suggested. 

“Well what people? How do we choose?” Balthazar asked. “And how far back are we permitted?” He could think of a few events he wouldn’t mind preventing. The Salem Witch Trials made him particularly squeamish. It was a lose lose! So inefficient! Most of the tests were ‘if this doesn’t kill you, you’re a witch’. Either way the person would die! What was the point! And the ratio of witches killed to innocents was ridiculous!

“That’s where I was hoping you could come in… preferably stick to the last millenium or so.” Castiel sighed. Of course Balthazar’s first thought was one of the wars, or perhaps a bombing. However those were things that would significantly affect the current way of life via the good old butterfly effect. He needed something that wasn’t political… Balthazar knit his brow in thought. 

“I’ve got it.” He announced proudly. Castiel cocked a brow. “The Titanic! It wasn’t a huge political thing, so it won’t change things too greatly, it’ll bring in plenty of souls, and most importantly, that awful movie will never be filmed!” Balthazar exclaimed. 

“What movie..?” Castiel’s brow scrunched, eyes narrowing as he tilted his head. It was truly adorable. 

“You’re not missing anything by not seeing it. They use this one horrendous song for almost all of the sound track, and once it’s in your head you can’t get it out. Not to mention how  _ stupid  _ it is that the whole thing is started by some old lady seeing her breasts on national television!” Balthazar pinched the bridge of his nose. “And it doesn’t need to be that long! When you’re watching a movie, no one wants to stop and change the disc. It’s absolutely infuriating.” Castiel was giving him a blank look, and Balthazar gave a heavy sigh, resting a hand on his dear friend’s shoulder. “I’ll handle it, Castiel. Don’t you worry.” He assured.

“Thank you, my friend.” Castiel smiled. 

Going back in time was no easy feat. Balthazar sent himself back an extra two days so he would have time to rest and recover from the exerting travel. He crashed on a way too lumpy motel bed, and didn’t wake for nearly the entire two days. 

Joining the crew was as simple, a mere matter of snapping on some crewman attire and flying aboard the ship. He took a quick tour to familiarize himself with the layout, before selecting some quarters to lounge in while he waited for the right time. 

Said lounging lasted for all of fifteen minutes. If Balthazar was here anyways, he might as well  _ enjoy himself _ . There was live music, liquor, and maybe even a person or two down for a nice shag. He snapped himself into a finer and time appropriate outfit, before wandering off to the high class level in search of entertainment. Entertainment came in the form of a man he accidentally ran into on the dance floor. Cassian was his name, and Balthazar had shared a drink with him, flirting with the blue eyed man. 

As much as Balthazar would’ve loved to take Cassian back to his room and roll around in the sheets together, they got lost in conversation. He couldn’t explain why he felt so drawn to the man with the messy raven hair and eyes he could get lost in, but time seemed to whirl as they chat about nothing and everything simultaneously. 

Balthazar looked at his watch. It couldn’t be that time already… he looked up, giving Cassian a bashful smile. 

“I’ve got to go…” He explained apologetically. Cassian smiled, giving an understanding nod. “It was lovely to spend the evening with you, Cassi-” Balthazar stopped short.  _ Oh. That’s why. _ He stooped, kissing Cassian’s knuckles before heading off, snapping his attire to the crew member gear once out of sight. From there it was as simple as calling to the captain that he spotted an iceberg, and letting the rest play itself out. 

“Sir! You’re a hero! You saved everyone on this vessel!” The captain commended, clapping Balthazar’s shoulder. He shrugged. 

“It’s no big deal. Just doing my job.” The angel dismissed. 

“Your name will go down in history! Say, what is your name?” The captain asked, and a smirk befell Balthazar’s face. How could he  _ not _ use this beautiful opportunity? 

“Isaac. Isaac Peter Freely.” Balthazar smiled. 

“Thank you, good sir.” The captain beamed, and Balthazar laughed inwardly.

It wasn’t long after Balthazar got back - or well, after he woke up from his nap (time travel was incredibly tiring) - that he was pulled to a rusty motel by the Winchesters. Castiel should’ve known this would happen. Of course Atropos would come and start to correct the mess, and kill all the people who were fated to never exist because the Titanic went down. And of course the Winchesters were going to have a problem with it. Once the Winchesters were done, or more so when he got tired of them, Balthazar returned to Castiel.

“It’s been done.” He sighed, and Castiel gave him a smile. 

“Thank you, Balthazar.”

“Oh, and you should know Atropos is out there, cleaning our mess.”

“As to be expected.”

“And the Winchesters aren’t happy.”

“Well, that’s to be expected too.”

“And when they try to stop her?” Balthazar cocked a brow. Castiel’s brow furrowed, and he looked down. Atropos wouldn’t hesitate to kill them… “Not to mention, she kind of already hates them, coming back to life all those times.” Balthazar continued.

“I see the issue…” Castiel flew off. 

“Cas?” Balthazar called after him, but Castiel was long gone. Back to the Winchesters. Balthazar shook his head, zapping back to his mansion so he could find something strong to drink. 

“Balthazar, you were correct.” Castiel spoke from behind where he sat on the leather couch, lounging with his bottle of scotch. 

“Joy. What about?” He hummed.

“Atropos is after the Winchesters… she won’t stop. So we need to eliminate the problem.” Castiel stated. Balthazar put down his bottle, turning to face Castiel.

“You can’t possibly mean what I think you mean.” He stated. Cas gave him a meaningful look, and Balthazar sighed. “Of course you do.” He shook his head, massaging his temples. 

“Will you help me, Balthazar?” Castiel asked slowly. Balthazar rose, approaching his friend so he could look into his eyes. Castiel was dead serious… 

“Of course I will, Castiel… but, I must ask. Do you recall the story of Icarus?” He inquired, softness underlying his tone. 

“What relevance does that have?” Castiel asked, tilting his head in confusion. Balthazar chuckled, shaking his head as he fixed the lapel of Castiel’s trench coat. 

“Just… mind how high you fly, Cassie.” He smiled. “I’ll go fetch the fate killing blade.” He gently pat Castiel’s chest, flying off to retrieve the weapon.

  
  


Killing Fate didn’t pan out, which meant another painfully long trip back in time to bring that ship, the stupid movie, and the even worse song back. It was hard to watch the whole thing play out. Castiel was trying so hard to remain a loyal friend to the Winchesters, and balancing the civil war and them was tearing Castiel apart. The longer this war dragged out, the more it consumed Castiel, and as much as he hated to admit it, the Winchesters seemed to be Castiel’s rock through this whole ordeal. As every aspect of Castiel became more and more absorbed into the war, some days it seemed like they were the only things keeping him  _ Castiel _ through it all. As much as he had disliked them… Balthazar could appreciate that. 

Balthazar could sense something else plaguing his best friend’s thoughts, though. Not just trying to choose Winchesters or Heaven, but something much darker brooding within Castiel. Balthazar had tried many times to nudge Castiel into talking about it, but the seraphim merely iced him out. That was something Balthazar found very frightening. How bad did something have to be for Castiel to not tell  _ him _ about it? He who defended Castiel when no one else did. He was Castiel’s best friend… or at least he thought he was. Balthazar took a second to dwell on that.  _ What happened to us? _ Balthazar wondered.  _ What happened to how close we used to be? Now we’re keeping secrets like petty school children… What happened to the trust? _

“Balthazar.” Castiel hailed, approaching his friend, who stood in the forested Heaven of some new soul. “I need your help, Raphael’s-”

“Balthy.” Balthazar cut him off, not turning to look at his friend. 

“...what?” Balthazar could picture him tilting his head in confusion. 

“You used to call me Balthy. Or Balth. Even Bal sometimes. Now it’s just Balthazar… why so formal? Why so… professional?” He turned to face Castiel. “We’re still friends, aren’t we? Why don’t you talk to me like a friend anymore?” 

“Of course we’re still friends, Balthazar…”

“Then how come you only ever treat me like a soldier?” Balthazar asked, his voice fading much quieter, hoping the hush would mask the pain in his voice. 

“We’re in the middle of a war, Balthazar, you can’t expect me to take breaks for us to groom each other’s wings. We’re not children anymore.” Castiel reminded, shaking his head. 

“A war shouldn’t change who we are.” Balthazar hung his head. “What did you need of me?” His voice was much weaker, resigned. Even if Castiel only cared about the war, that didn’t change that Balthazar cared about Castiel. 

“Raphael’s sent missionaries to try and convert my soldiers to his side… I was hoping you could handle them.” Castiel gave a meaningful look. Back to business. Like their conversation meant nothing. 

“Of course, Cassie.” Balthazar sighed sadly, zapping off.

There’s nothing more painful than watching someone you care so deeply about fade away. The agony of watching them lose themselves while you stand helplessly watching, all your attempts to reach them absolutely futile. Balthazar drank very heavily until the liquor finally began to dull his troubles, and take his mind off of his dear Castiel, who got harder and harder to recognize with every passing minute.

Balthazar took another sip at the bottle, looking upwards. He knew it was useless, that if God had dropped off the grid for all of them, he wasn’t going to hop back into the game for the words of a drunken failure of an angel. Still he had nothing else right now.

“Listen up, you bloody prat… I know you don’t care about me. That’s fair. But please… you have to help Castiel. He’s done everything for you. He went to hell for you to fetch the vessel. He’s been your soldier his whole life, and he’s trying his best to do what he thinks is right… but he’s lost, father. This war… it’s consuming him. I know you care about Castiel, you brought him back, right? Twice! Please… stop him before he goes too far. This war  _ will _ kill him. It’s inevitable. You have to help him, father…” Balthazar prayed, a teardrop glistening down his cheek. “Please…” He whispered, shutting his eyes. 

But God didn’t respond. Balthazar smashed his bottle of liquor in anger. Deep down, he knew he wasn’t angry at God. He wasn’t angry at Castiel, or the Winchesters, or even Raphael. Anger was easier than the pain, though. Feeling angry was far preferable to feeling helpless, which is exactly what Balthazar was. 

Balthazar was in the middle of drowning himself in liquor and attractive distractions when the Winchesters called him. He hated what they had to say because it  _ made sense _ . It was far too in character for this Castiel to strike a deal with Crowley… the souls of Purgatory would be the key to winning the war, and that was all Castiel cared about right now. Still… Balthazar wouldn’t believe it. His Cassie would never be that stupid. The risk was too great, it was too much for Castiel to handle. He wasn’t built to hold onto a mass amount of souls like that… 

Confronting Castiel about it was like a punch to the gut. It stung that Castiel was doing something like this, because it practically spelled his death. Balthazar wanted to call it selfish, because how could Castiel do that to him? Yet the hypocrisy of that thought made Balthazar’s stomach twist with guilt. That left the brutal hurt of betrayal. Castiel didn’t trust Balthazar enough to tell him about this… he trusted the goddamn king of hell more than his best friend. Could Balthazar even call himself that anymore? Castiel was Balthazar’s best friend, but Balthazar doubted the reciprocation of the sentiment. Now more than ever. Balthazar wanted to cry, but he wouldn’t let Castiel see that. He was supposed to be better than that. 

Through it all Castiel still asked for his loyalty. And Balthazar agreed. Castiel needed him more than ever… he would find a way to help him.  _ In for a penny, in for a pound. _

Balthazar drank himself unconscious that night, refusing to acknowledge the tears that streamed down his face. In those moments, Balthazar wished he  _ had _ died. That it wasn’t a rouse. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with this mess he’d woven himself into by standing next to Castiel. Being dead seemed a lot simpler than this, and a whole lot simpler than what he knew he had to do next. 

It wasn’t a betrayal if it was for Castiel’s own good. Playing double agent for the Winchesters… Balthazar was trying to save Castiel. Unfortunately the only person Castiel needed saving from was himself. That made it tricky.  _ He’ll understand when he wakes up from this megalomania.  _ Balthazar told himself, hoping it would ease the ache in his chest. 

The Winchesters could sort it out if he just gave them the location. He didn’t have to betray Cas any further.  _ Too late. _ A little voice in the back of his head told him.  _ The damage is done _ . 

When Castiel called for him, Balthazar’s stomach tied itself in a knot, but he flew to the angel as fast as he could regardless. 

“You rang, Cas?” Balthazar frowned at his friend’s hunched over state, the troubled look that seemed permanently glued to his face focused on a jar of blood in his hand. 

“Yeah, we have a problem.” Castiel responded with a sigh, not looking up at him. “Dean Winchester is on his way here.” 

“Really? Oh...” Balthazar murmured, with falsified concern, his stomach twisting. He was a better liar than Cas, but the guilt that weighed with it was almost unbearable. “How did he know where we were?” He continued, playing dumb.

“Apparently,” He put the blood down, looking up at Balthazar with empty, tired looking eyes. “We have a Judas in our midst.” There was a time Balthazar would’ve commended Cas for his metaphor, Balthazar found the story of Judas entertaining. Now it simply made his insides churn. 

“Ah…” He chuckled nervously. Something about Cas… it was so much harder to hide things from him than it was the other angels. “Holy hell.” He smiled at the oxymoron, but Cas didn’t look amused. He looked right through Balthazar with those blue eyes full of distrust. “Was it… Bet it’s that bloody little cherub, isn’t it.” He offered, fumbling his words. He kept his casual smile on even as Castiel rose. Balthazar nearly took a step back, but that would give him away. Since when was he afraid of Castiel? Once again, four words rang through Balthazar’s head.  _ What happened to us? _

“I don’t know.” Castiel responded. “I need you to find out.” 

“Of course. Right away.” Balthazar nodded, eager to use the excuse to leave. Castiel was oozing with an unpredictable, frighteningly cold demeanor. “Uh, what do you want me to do about Dean?” He asked, hoping to change the course of the discussion. Castiel turned his back to Balthazar, stepping away. 

“I’ll handle it myself.” He decided. Maybe that was best. Maybe Dean was their last shot at getting through to Cas. Part of Balthazar feared he was too far gone already, though… Balthazar eyed his friend up, noting the tension between his shoulders, and gaze distant and downwards. Heavens it hurt to see him like this… Maybe Cas didn’t need Dean… maybe Cas needed him instead. 

“Castiel… are you alright?” He asked slowly. 

“First Sam and Dean and now this?” Castiel spoke. Balthazar hadn’t considered that. How much pain Castiel must already be in since the Winchesters figured out his deal and turned against him… Balthazar added fuel to that fire. It suddenly dawned on him how alone Castiel must feel in all this. Guilt tore his heart open further. “I’m doing my best… in impossible circumstances.” Balthazar was glad Castiel was facing away from him. Seeing his face just might’ve broken him. “My friends, they abandon me…”  _ No, this isn’t abandonment! I’m trying to help you, Cassie, I’m right here!  _ “Plot against me…” The way his voice got quieter made Balthazar want to shrivel up within his vessel. “It’s difficult to understand.” Castiel whispered, and Balthazar wanted to wrap his arms around Castiel, remind him it was alright, and assure him that they’d figure it out together, but he was frozen where he stood. So he settled for words.

“Well you’ve… you always got little old me…” Balthazar offered. Castiel seemed to contemplate that for a moment, before he disappeared from in front of Balthazar, and a blade went through Balthazar’s back, piercing his heart as it went through. Right in his ear, he heard Castiel speak. 

“Yes…” He rumbled, his voice void of emotion. The pain made every part of Balthazar’s grace feel like it was catching fire, but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as how emotionless Castiel’s voice was. Like he didn’t even care. There was no sadness. Nothing. “I’ll always have you.” Balthazar tried to hold on. He knew it was futile, but he tried to fight. Light blotted the edges of his vision, and the pain seemed so distant. He felt so far away from his body… Fighting off the light was hard work… and Balthazar was tired… so tired…

“Cas…” He choked out, voice breathy and weak. The energy faded with the word on his lips. Balthazar had always assumed death would be peaceful, but it was far from it. His grace was slowly ripping apart, freeing itself from his vessel through every orifice. It was an explosion of blinding light, and then there was nothing. 

Balthazar’s eyes were open, but all he saw was blackness. How was that right? Frowning, he sat up, scanning the area. Everything, everywhere, as far as the eye could see was black. There was no depth, no way to tell the roof from the walls - were there walls? Everything was just… empty. Where was he? How did he get here? The last thing he remembered was…

_ Castiel. _

Balthazar winced as Castiel’s voice rang through his ears.  _ I’ll always have you… _ He covered his ears, as if that would block out the noise inside. How? How did this happen? What cruel fate allowed  _ Castiel _ to be the one to kill him? The one person Balthazar knew he could always count on, his best friend, the single person Balthazar would trade the entire world for… What did Balthazar do that deserved that kind of punishment? A choked sob escaped Balthazar as he curled his wings around himself. It wasn’t  _ fair!  _

Or perhaps it was. He had stabbed Cas in the back, betraying him to the Winchesters. Even before then, he’d let Castiel believe he had died. Making him suffer that grief while Balthazar lounged around, surrounded in liquor and beautiful people was cruel in so many ways… Balthazar gently touched his chest, the blade was gone, but he could still feel it tearing through his vessel’s flesh, and through his very grace. 

Yet as much as it hurt, Balthazar truly couldn’t blame Castiel for killing him. He got back what he gave. A figurative stab in the back for a literal one. Truth be told, Balthazar could never stay mad at Castiel. Castiel was his achilles heel.  _ What happened to us? _ Balthazar sighed. From the closest of friends to… this. It was a painful thought, how the angel that flew with him, fought with him, and would sit in the garden for hours just  _ talking  _ to him could take his life. He shook his head, sighing softly. 

Balthazar supposed he had the civil war to blame for Castiel’s change of heart. It had consumed him completely, made him reckless and blind. Deep down, Balthazar knew Castiel truly believed he was doing what was best. The war had become all of Castiel, and it was bound to be his demise. Balthazar frowned. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let Castiel be killed by something so  _ stupid _ . He rose to his feet, beginning to pace. Balthazar needed to get out of here, wherever here was.

“You can’t, so stop that bloody pacing.” An eerily familiar voice grumbled. Balthazar whirled around to see a spitting image of himself, like a rebellious reflection. 

“Who are you?” Balthazar demanded, eyeing the figure up in confusion. 

“I run this place, boy.” The…  _ entity _ sighed. 

“Oh perfect! I need your help getting out of here, I need-”

“To see Castiel. Yes. I know.” The entity pursed his lips. “Sadly, you can’t. You’re dead. You’re stuck here.” 

“There has to be something-”

“Have you ever heard of an angel coming back to life?”

“Yes!” Balthazar exclaimed. “Castiel did!”

“ _ God _ brought him back, because he was on a mission.” The entity rolled his eyes. “Take a good look at yourself, Balthazar, do you really think God wants  _ you _ back?” Balthazar hung his head. He knew the answer to that. “See? There’s my point. Now, how about you lay down and take a nice little rest?” Balthazar opened his mouth to protest, but the entity continued before he could get a word in. “Actually, why don’t I put your mind at ease, Balthazar? Castiel swallowed up all those yummy souls from Purgatory. He’s powerful as God now.” Balthazar’s stomach dropped. Dean hadn’t gotten to him in time… “And with all that power, Castiel could easily bring you back to life. Yet here you still are, sweetie pie.” The entity taunted. “Castiel hasn’t brought you back, because he doesn’t want you back.”  _ He’s lying. He has to be. _ “You used to be his whole world, Balthazar. The best thing that ever happened to him. He  _ loved you _ . But then you betrayed him. You ran away and went on a bender in the name of ‘free will’ while he cried over your death. And Cassie-” the word sounded like nails down a chalkboard off of his tongue. “-learned how to live without you. He wept over you for many nights, and then when he found out you were alive the whole time… you can imagine how betrayed he felt. You were already treading on thin ice, then you went behind his back and betrayed him a second time, this time to the Winchesters! He trusted you, Balthazar, and you broke his heart  _ again _ . You got what was coming to you, deep down you know that. You let him down too many times. Castiel doesn’t want you.” The entity snarled, slicing his heart open more with each word. 

“No…” The objection was weak, and Balthazar’s lip trembled as he clung to his dwindling hope. “My Cassie-”

“He was never yours, Balthazar.” A silent tear rolled down Balthazar’s cheek as his last flicker of hope burned out. The entity rested a comforting hand on his shoulder, and if Balthazar had the energy to, he would’ve pushed him away. However every inch of Balthazar felt so heavy… “If you just lay down… go to sleep… you won’t have to carry that burden anymore.” The entity told him softly. Shakily, Balthazar lay down on the ground, curling up as tears slipped down his cheeks silently. The entity was right… Balthazar didn’t want to stay awake anymore. He didn’t want this pain anymore. “That’s a good boy…” The entity smiled maliciously down at the broken angel, and Balthazar shut his eyes for a final time. 


End file.
